If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
* Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
* Don’t sweat petty things….or pet sweaty things.
* A fool and his money are soon partying.
* Money can’t buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands….
* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse….it’ll be a great trade!
* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
* I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Everybody repeat after me….”We are all individuals.”
* Death to all fanatics!
* Guests who kill talk show hosts….On the last Geraldo.
* Chastity is curable, if detected early.
* Don’t be sexist; broads hate that!
* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked in jet engines.
* Borrow money from pessimists….they don’t expect it back.
* Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
* If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
Funny Jokes:
- Truisms
- Positive Outlooks on Life…
- Some of life’s truisms.
- Some Words of Wisdom
- Business one-liners 63
- Words of Wisdom
- Show Me The Money!
- Ponderings collection 44
- Business one-liners 105
- Lots of Wit and Wisdom.
- Business one-liners 62
- Home burglar survey
- Business one-liners 95
- THERE WAS A GUY AND HE HAD ONE WISH TO HAVE A ROOM FULL OF BUD ALL DIFFERENT KINDS. WELL ONE DAY A GENIE CAME ALONG AND SAID YOU HAVE ONE WISH AND HE SAID ONLY 1 I THOUGHT A GENIE GIVES YOU 3 WISHES THE GENIE SAID WELL I AM IN A FUCKING HURRY SO YOU ONLY GET ONE WISH SO MAKE IT GOOD THE GUY SAID I WISH I HAD A ROOM FULL OF ALL DIFFERENT KINDS OF BUD. THE GENIE SAID WISH GRANTED!!! THE GUY GOT WHAT HE WISHED FOR. BUT THEN HE SAID TO THE GENIE YOU GOT A LIGHTER OR A PACK OF MATCGES I ONLY HAVE ONE MATCH LEFT IN MY PACK!!1 THE GENIE SAID NO. HE SAID WELL I WILL RETURN IN JUST ONE MINITE THE GENIE SAID YOU CANNOT LEAVE INTIL ALL THIS WEED IS SMOKED UP AND HE SAID HOW I ONLY HAVE ONE LIGHT AND WHAT IF IT GOES OUT ? THE GENIE SAID I GUESS YOU CAN EAT HES LIKE FUCK MAN WHERES A LIGHTER WHEN I NEED ONE HAHAHAHAHA
- What are the three words you do not want to hear while making love?
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