A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”
The man says, “Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”
“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”
“Well, then, we need a urine sample.”
“I’m sorry, officer, I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.”
“All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
“I can’t do that, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m drunk.”
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A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room.
As they walked through the first room, the woman said, “I think I would like this room in a cream color.”
The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, “Green side up!”
He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour.
“In this room, I was thinking of an off blue.”
Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, “Green side up!”
This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color.
And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, “Green side up!”
Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, “Why do you keep yelling ‘Green side up’ out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?”
The contractor replied, “Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.”
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A middle-aged woman and her husband visit a disco, just to remember what it used to be like. After a few dances they sit down at the side to recuperate. A few minutes later a guy comes over and asks the woman to dance. She is flattered and, with an approving glance from her husband, accepts the invitation.
Well, after a few minutes bopping, the guy leans over and says, ?you know, I think you?re really good-looking. Could I kiss you please?? The woman is a bit bowled over but replies, ?certainly not – I?m a married woman and my husband is over there.?
The dancing continues, and after another few minutes the man leans over again and says, ?You know, I think that you?re the most attractive woman I?ve seen for ages. Could I fondle your tits please?? This time the woman is shocked, and she replies, ?No! What sort of person do you think I am?? The guy apologises, makes the peace and they continue dancing.
After a little while more the guy leans over for a third time and says, ?I think you?re so lovely that I?d like to turn you upside down, fill you with beer and drink it out of you.? The woman is horrified, slaps the guy in the face and goes back to her husband.
?Do you know what that man wanted to do to me?? she asks him ?He wanted to kiss me.? ?What?? exclaims her husband. ?That?s not all either; he wanted to feel my tits too,? she continues. Her husband gets up and asks ?Where is he? I?ll show him. I?ll knock his head off!? ?There?s more,? said his wife. ?He wanted to turn me upside down, fill me with beer and drink it out of me.?
Her husband immediately sat down again. ?What are you sitting down for?? she asked, ?I thought you were going to go and sort him out?? ?You must be joking,? her husband replied. ?I?m not messing with anyone who can drink 16 pints in one go!?
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