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An academic problem

sahil — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 07:56:01 +0000

An academic problemIn a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, “When will the girls and boys meet?” Mathematician: “Never.” Physicist: “In an infinite amount of time.” Engineer: “Well… in about two minutes, they’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”

A pregnant woman is about to give birth…

sahil — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 07:55:49 +0000

A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on thedelivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the topof a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and saysto the doctor, “Are you my dad?”. The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”. With that, the baby popsright back inside. “Damn!”, says the doctor. A short while later he sees the head pushthrough again. “Are you my dad?”, asks the baby. “No, I am your doctor.”, he replies. Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother’s womb. The doctor turns to a nurse and says, “Nurse, get that baby’s fatherin here right away–we may have a situation on our hands!”. Momentslater the baby’s father is in the delivery room, and the baby’s headonce again pops out. “Are you my dad?”, the baby asks of the father. The father replies, “Yes, little baby, I am your father!” The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the foreheadwith his index finger–”How do you like that?”

Microsoft trademarks TM

sahil — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 07:55:34 +0000

|Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol By Vince Sabio HumourNet Communications, Ltd. REDMOND, Wash (UPI) - Software and marketing giant Microsoft Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the rights to the well-known “trademark” symbol, formerly denoted as “tm” in most print media. The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names that have not yet been registered with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. “It was a natural,” commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft’s Ministry of Information. “Several of us were sitting around after a board meeting a few months ago, and we were talking about what we should buy next. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing a country or two in South America, as kind of a follow-up to Sun Microsystems’ trademark-infringement claim against The Island Formerly Known As Java, when it occurred to us that there are no countries named ‘ActiveX.’ We talked about changing the name of ‘ActiveX’ to ‘Chile’ or ‘Brazil’ — which would also help distance it from all those recently-uncovered security holes — when someone joked that we’d save a lot of time and effort in the long run if we’d just trademark the trademark symbol.” Schexnader continued, “At first, we all just laughed — but one look at Bill’s face, and we knew we’d be on the phone with the Patent and Trademark Office in the morning.” Microsoft hasn’t wasted any time enforcing the new trademark. According Rue B. Goldberg, an attorney with Microsoft’s Ministry of Litigation and Law Enforcement, “Use of the ‘tm’ symbol will now be restricted to Microsoft and its subsidiaries, like the Catholic Church.” But companies wishing to use the ‘(tm)’ symbol will not be left out in the cold; according to Goldberg, Microsoft has developed a new symbol, ‘(tMS)’, to replace the now-restricted ‘(tm)’ symbol. “Anyone will be able to use the new symbol, royalty-free,” states Goldberg, “though Microsoft reserves the right to charge for its use in the future.” Response to the announcement was varied. Apple Computer CEO Gil Amelio vowed to take the issue to court, stating, “Apple Computer developed the technology for the trademark symbol more than ten years ago,” but refused to give any details on the exact nature of the lawsuit. Meanwhile, Times-Mirror Publishing, Ziff-Davis, the L.A. Times, the N.Y. Times, CNN, the Washington Post, Newsweek, and Kathy Lee Gifford all agreed that it was a landmark move. According to William Spangler, Electronics and Pet Food Editor for the Boston Globe, “[Microsoft’s] recent acquisition of the trademark symbol will benefit computer users worldwide. It’s a technological breakthrough. As always, the rest of the computer industry is just struggling to play catch-up.” So, what does the future hold for Microsoft and its latest acquisition? Microsoft Ministry of Information spokeswoman Alice Gilbert says that Microsoft is moving quickly on similar purchases. “Our next [acquisition] will be the ’service mark’ symbol. We already have the paperwork in place for it.” Gilbert stated that the new symbol would be ’sMS’, following the trend set by the new trademark symbol. “It’s a natural for us,” concluded Gilbert. But apparently, the sky is not the limit at Microsoft. “We’d also looked into acquiring the rights to the ‘registered’ trademark symbol, but several representatives from the Ministry of Technology determined that doing so would lead to an infinite loop in the trademark registry — and the only place where we permit infinite loops is in our software. Our standards are very high here at Microsoft.” But that fact has not deterred the software and marketing giant. “Instead, we’re looking into purchasing the entire Patent and Trademark Office,” stated Schexnader. No one at the Patent and Trademark Office could be reached for comment Tuesday. Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio, HumourNet Communications Ltd. All Rights Reserved; permission is hereby granted to forward or post “Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol,” provided that the by-line (above) and this copyright statement are included.

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist…

sahil — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 07:55:19 +0000

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. “I’m on the road a lot, and my clients arecomplaining that they can never reach me.” Psychiatrist: “Don’t you have a phone in your car?” Blonde: “That was a little too expensive, so I didthe next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.” Psychiatrist: “Uh … How’s that working?” Blonde: “Actually, I haven’t gotten any letters yet.” Psychiatrist: “And why do you think that is?” Blonde: “I figure it’s because when I’m drivingaround, my zip code keeps changing.”

A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them…

sahil — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 07:55:06 +0000

A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. “What’s your name?” she asks the first. To her surprise, the dog answers “My name’s Huey and I’m having a great day going in and out of puddles.” She goes up to the second dog and asks “What’s your name?” The dog replies “My name’s Duey and I’m having a great day going in and out of puddles.” She turns to the third dog and says “I suppose you’re going to tell me your names Luey and you’re having a great day going in and out of puddles.” The dog replies “No, I’m having a fucking miserable day and my name is Puddles.”

How do you embarrass an archeologist?

sahil — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 05:38:43 +0000

Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Why is a bride always smiling as she walks down the aisle at her wedding?

sahil — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 05:38:27 +0000

Why is a bride always smiling as she walks down the aisle at her wedding? No more blowjobs.

Caring for floppy disks

sahil — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 05:38:09 +0000

ORIGAMIArt of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result, put the floppy in the disk drive after folding it several times in different directions. With a little luck, you should be able to get it jammed. Now, ask yourself. How can your disk get damaged if you can’t even get it out of the drive?SMOKEUse cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking, blow directly to your disk. In that way, you will be able to destroy it soon, and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well.PIRANHASIf you don’t have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen. This wonderful method of “caring” for disks also often gives you a pretty bite-like design on the remaining pieces of the disk.MAGNETSThey are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper weights, and stuck on the frige door. If you can’t find any, you can leave the floppies on the printer or on your display for a while, making sure that they are on.MAILPut a disk in an envelope and don’t write any warning on it; then mail it to someone, and that’s all.MAGIC TOUCHTouch your floppy. As much as you can. If you have marmelade or butter in your fingers, better. Your floppy will acknowledge it.DON’T USE ANY ENVELOPEArchive them wihtout their envelope, piled under a lot of papers and manuals.DON’T MAKE BACKUPSOf course, if you don’t have any security copy, you won’t have to worry about how to destroy them once you have lost the original.SUPREME STUPIDITYIt is the best way of destroying floppies. If you practice it regularly, you’ll find new methods to add to this list.

There was a blonde and a brunette in a car…

sahil — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 05:37:57 +0000

There was a blonde and a brunette in a car. The brunette hears a siren behind them, so she asks the blonde if its lights are on. The blonde turns around and says “yes, no, yes, no…..”

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly…

sahil — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 05:37:43 +0000

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell.After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male: “Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.”