May 2009
A prominent lawyer’s son dreamed of following in his father’s footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father’s firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney.At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father’s office, and said, “Father, father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever — the one you have been toiling on for ten years — in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!”His father frowned, and scolded his son, “I did not say that it would go on forever, son. I said that it could go on forever. When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn’t it ever occur to you that I was billing by the hour?”
Less-Known Computer Languages Basic-Fortran-Cobol… Theseprogramming languages are wellknown and (more or less. wellloved throughout the computerindustry.There are numerous otherlanguages however that are lesswell known yet still have ardentdevotees. In fact these little-known languages generallyhave the most fanatic admirers.For those who wish to know moreabout these obscure languages -and why they are obscure – Ipresent the following catalog.SIMPLE … SIMPLE is an acronymfor Sheer Idiot’s Mono PurposeProgramming LingusiticEnvironment.This language developed at theHanover College for TechnologicalMisfits was designed to make itimpossible to write code witherrors in it. The statements aretherefore confined to BEGIN-END-and STOP. No matter how youarrange the statements you can’tmake a syntax error.Programs written in SIMPLE donothing useful.Thus they achievethe results of programs writtenin other languages without thetedious frustrating process oftesting and debugging.SLOBOL … SLOBOL is best knownfor the speed or lack of it ofits compiler. Although manycompilers allow you to take acoffee break while they compileSLOBOL compilers allow you to takea trip to Bolivia to pick up thecoffee. Forty-three programmersare known to have died of boredomsitting at their terminals whilewaiting for a SLOBOL program tocompile.Weary SLOBOL programmers often turnto a related (but infinitely faster. language…COCAINE.VALGOL … (With special thanks toDan and Betsy “Moon Unit” Pfau.- From its modest beginnings insouthern California’s SanFernando Valley VALGOL is enjoyinga dramatic surge of popularityacross the industry.VALGOL commands include REALLY-LIKE – WELL and YAKNOW. Variablesare assigned with the =LIKE and=TOTALLY operators.Other operatorsinclude the “CALIFORNIA BOOLEANS”FERSURE and NOWAY. Repetitions ofcode are handled in FOR-SURE loops.Here is a sample VALGOL program. 14 LIKE-YAKNOW (I MEAN. START. %% IF. PI A =LIKE BITCHEN AND. 01 B =LIKE TUBULAR AND. 9 C =LIKE GRODY**MAX. 4K (FERSURE.**2. 18 THEN. 4I FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100. 86 DO WAH + (DITTY**2.. 9 BARF(I. =TOTALLY GROSS(OUT.. -17 SURE. 1F LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM. ? REALLY. $$ LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW.VALGOL is characterized by itsunfriendly error messages. Forexample when the user makes asyntax error the interpreterdisplays the message GAG ME WITHA SPOON!LAIDBACK … Historically VALGOL isa derivative of LAIDBACK whichwas developed at the (now defunct.Marin County Center for T’ai ChiMellowness and ComputerProgramming as an analternative to themore intense atmosphere in nearbysilicon valley. The center wasideal for programmers who liked tosoak in hot tubs while theyworked. Unfortunately fewprogrammers could survive therefor long since the center outlawedpizza and RC Cola in favor of beancurd and Perrier.Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACKbecause its reputation as agentle and nonthreatening language.For example LAIDBACK responded tosyntax errors with the messageSORRY MAN I CAN’T DEAL WITH THAT.SARTRE … Named after the lateexistential philosopher.SARTRE isan extremely unstructuredlanguage. Statements in SARTRE haveno purpose they are just there.Thus SARTRE programs are left todefine their own functions.SARTRE programmers tend to beboring and depressed and are nofun at parties.FIFTH … FIFTH is a precisionmathematical language in whichthe data types refer to quantity.The data types range from CC-OUNCE-SHOT and JIGGER to FIFTH(hence the name of the language.LITER-MAGNUM and BLOTTO.Commands refer to ingredientssuch as CHABLIS-CHARDONNAY-CABERNET-GIN-VERMOUTH-VODKA-SCOTCHand WHATEVERSAROUND.The many versions of the FIFTHlanguage reflect the sophisticationand financial status of its users.Commands in the ELITE dialectinclude VSOP and LAFITE whilecommands in the GUTTER dialectinclude HOOTCH and RIPPLE.The latter is a favorite offrustrated FORTH programmers whoend up using the language.C-…This language was namedfor the grade received by itscreater when he submitted itas a class project in agraduate programming class.C- is best described as a’Low Level’ programminglanguage.In fact the languagegenerally requires more C-statements than machine-codestatements to execute a giventask. In this respect itis very similar to COBOL.LITHP … This otherwiseunremarkable language isdistinguished by the absenceof an “s” in its character set.Programmers and users mustsubstitute”TH”. LITHP is said tobe useful in prothething lithtth.DOGO … Developed at theMassachussettes Institute ofObedience Training. DOGO heraldsa new era of computer literatepets. DOGO commands include SITSTAY-HEEL and ROLL OVER. Aninnovative feature of DOGO is’PUPPY GRAPHICS’ in which a smallcocker spaniel occasionally leavesa deposit as he travels acrossthe screen.
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the “Vacant” sign up?Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.–Mentally Deficient?Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn’t get taller girls?Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?