How can you determine that a death certificate was filled by a redneck doctor?

He signs “his” name under “cause of death!”

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Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?

A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a “crying shame”?

A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A: An offer you can’t understand.

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?

A. In the cemetery.

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him?

A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

A: Because deep down, they’re really good people.

Q: What does a lawyer use for birth-control?

A: His personality.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?

A: Stick his bill up his ass.

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One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

“It’s certainly not a ship”, he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years,” replies the stunned man.

With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?” she asks him.

Trembling the castaway replies, “Ten years.”

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, “WOW, that’s absolutely fantastic!”

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks, “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?”

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, “Oh good Lord! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there too?”

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