November 2008
Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer
Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
Your lawyer picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
A prison guard is shaving your head.
11th-hour tweaks for Windows ‘98 by Microsoft
10. Included subliminal “Impeach Janet Reno” messages in start-up screen.
9. New Internet Explorer feature: whenever you visit a Web site ending in “.gov,” a message first appears reminding you that Microsoft is not a monopoly.
8. Source code no longer ones and zeros–try 666s and zeros. Windows start-up theme, played backward, says, Here’s to my sweet Satan.”
7. Comes with check for $50 that, if cashed, puts your name on an Internet petition telling the DOJ to buzz off *and* changes your long distance carrier to AT&T.
6. New desktop icon–click once, and $1 will go directly from your checking account into the Microsoft Legal Defense Fund.
5. Added new template to preinstalled version of Word: “Letter to the editor expressing delight with Microsoft products.”
4. Freebie computer-controlled Barney doll has been reprogrammed to say, “Big government is sca-a-ary. Janet tried to hurt me.”
3. TV function scrambles C-Span during antitrust hearings.
2. Desktop display with countdown tracking number of copies of Windows 98 that must yet be bought to prevent worldwide economic collapse!
1. Last-minute name change: was “Windows 98,” now “Windows: Assimilate.”
A brain walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint of beer please.”
The barman looks at him and says “Sorry, I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” askes the brain.
“You’re already out of your head.”