Top Ten Signs you’re Not Watching a Real Baseball Team

From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995

You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.

Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.

They keep shouting “Do over!”

When umpire yells, “Strike 3!” batter looks at him as if the dude’s speaking French.

Try as they might, they just can’t scratch themselves like professionals.

First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.

Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts “Dinner time!”

Players constantly adjusting each other’s cups.

You overheard the coach yelling, “Run, Forrest, run!”

They play like the Mets

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Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.

“You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?”

The client replied that he did.

Then lawyer then asked, “Do you know what will happen if you don’t tell the truth?”

The client looked back and said, “I imagine that our side will win.”

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A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, “Don’t you know I’m Polish?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the blonde apologizes, “do you want me to start over and talk slower?”

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