A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looks up from his coffee and says, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes I do,” she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”

“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued… “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?’”

“I remember that too,” she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said…”I would have gotten out today.”

No tags

The prosecuting attorney had just called his first witness to the stand, an elderly woman. Approaching her, he asked, “Do you know me, Mrs. Jackson?”

“I certainly do, Mr. Craine, since you were a small boy,” she responded. “Actually, you’ve been a very big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and are a hypocrite. You think you’re some big shot, when in reality you’re nothing more than a paper-pusher. You bet I know you.”

Stunned and not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jackson, do you know the defense attorney?”

She replied, “Yes, I do. In fact, I used to babysit Mr. Nelson when he was a small boy. He, too, has been a great disappointment to me. He not only has a drinking problem, but he’s lazy and a bigot. His law practice has a reputation of being one of the shoddiest in town. Yes, I sure do know him.”

The judge immediately silenced the uproar in the courtroom and asked both counselors to approach the bench.

Giving them both the evil eye, he said in a whisper, “If either of you dare ask her if she knows me, you will be jailed for contempt!”

No tags

Telltale signs of a downturn in the Stockmarket…

=> NASDAQ seen in waterfront dive getting gooned on port shooters. => You’ve just called your investment house and the first thing they tell you is the soup of the day. => U.S. dollar and foil covered chocolate pirate doubloons currently on par. => Dow Jones now stripping in gay bar under the name Wow Jones. => Next parade down wall street, CEOs still fling tickertape from windows, only now don’t bother taking it out of their pockets. => Alan Greenspan has personally adopted a pesos-only policy.

No tags