50 Years ago….. 100 white men chasing one black man across a field were called
the Ku Klux Klan.
Today….. It’s called the PGA Tour.
sahil
30 Nov, 2007
Nov
30
You might be a Redneck Jedi if…
You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud
Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum
skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you
didn’t have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the
dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense
electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your
land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke
shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get
in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the
Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood
deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina
scene.
If you hear . . . “Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle.”
Nov
30
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
Nov
30
. . . and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computer’s and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, “Leave me alone!”
They both jumped back, silenced. “What the . . . ” the teacher said.
I typed, “I said leave me alone!”
The kid got real upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!” It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: “Don’t touch me!”
Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.”
Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
Nov
30
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too.” So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on!” So she swam back.
Nov
30
One day the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. “But,” said the duffer, “since you’re obviously much better than I am , to even it a bit you have to spot me two ‘gotchas’.” The golf pro didn’t know what a ‘gotcha’ was, but he went along with it. And off they went.
Coming back to the clubhouse, the rest of the club members were greatly amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. “What happened?” asked one of the members.
“Well,” said the pro, “I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling ‘Gotcha!’ Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second ‘gotcha’?”
Nov
29
Kudzu is green, my dog’s name is Blue
And I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue’s and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain’t got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
You’re as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin’ in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we’re in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I’m in hawg heaven, I’m plumb outta my wits.
And speakin’ of wits, you’ve got plenty fer shore.
‘Cuz you married me back in ‘74.
Still them fellers at work they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo’re there fer yore man,
To patch up life’s troubles and stick ‘em in the can.
Yo’re as strong as a four-wheeler racin’ through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.
Yo’re as cute as a junebug a-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like no far ant upon which I oft’ tread.
Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.
Yore complexion, it’s perfection, like the best vinyl sidin’.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin’.
And when you get old like a ‘57 Chevy,
Won’t put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; It’s romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day,
From the cooler at Kroger. “That’s impressive,” I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
“Diamonds are forever,” they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odour,
Better than diamonds, it’s a new trollin’ motor.
Nov
29
The celebrant noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked her what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The celebrant told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.
First the aisle, because that is what you’ll be walking down.
Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.
Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.
While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words for herself. . . Aisle, alter hymn (I’ll alter him!)
Nov
29
A program was….. a television show
An application was…. for employment
Windows were….. something you hated to clean
A cursor…. used profanity
A keyboard was…. a piano
Memory was…. something you lost with age
A CD was… a bank account (Certificate of Dep.)
Compress was something you did to garbage
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
Log on was adding wood to a fire
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
Cut you did with scissors
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu!!!
Times Sure Have Changed!
Nov
29
How do you tell if a blonde is sexually satisfied?
Who cares.
Nov
29