After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. “I’m busy,” he said. “I’ll do the next one.” The next time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. “I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby.”
sahil
31 Aug, 2007
Aug
31
“Hello, is this the FBI?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the FBI agents descended on Billy Bob’s house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house. “Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
Aug
31
A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school’s soccer team to an “away game”. They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.
“We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it’s doing by listening for it. They’re pretty good at it too.”
“Very clever!” remarks the other patron.
Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, “Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?”
“Yes,” says the teacher, stung by the way “his” kids are being refered to, “what about it? You got something against blind kids?”
“Nothing, ordinarily,” says the guy, still scowling out the window, “but you better get them rounded up quick! They’re kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!”
Aug
31
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into. The firemen yell to the brunette, “Jump! Jump! It’s your only chance to survive!” The brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. “C’mon! Jump! You gotta jump!” say the firemen to the redhead. “Oh no! You’re gonna pull the blanket away!” says the redhead. “No! It’s brunettes we can’t stand! We’re OK with redheads!” “Ok,” says the redhead and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, “Jump! You have to jump!” “No way! You’re just gonna pull the blanket away!” yelled the blonde. “No! Really! You have to jump! We won’t pull the blanket away!” “Look,” the blonde says, “Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you’re not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . .”
Aug
31
A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attended his first baseball game. After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring, “Run…run!”
The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent, “R-r-r-un yah bahstard. R-r-run!”
A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed, “R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya.”
The next batter’s count went to three and two. As the next pitch went outside the plate, he held his swing. The umpire called a walk and the Scotsman stood up yelling, “R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!”
All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered, “He didn’t have to run, he’s got four balls.”
After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed, “Walk PR-R-ROUD, man! Walk Proud!”
Aug
31
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.” And every year Edna would say, “I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, “Edna, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.” Edna replied, “Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Fred, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Fred replied, “Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”
Aug
26
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. So she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is angry, very angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She points the gun to her own head. The boyfriend yells “No, honey, don’t do it.” The blonde replies “Shut up, you’re next.”
Aug
26
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”
She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”
“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”
The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Democrat.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “But how did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You’ve made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You’re in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it’s MY fault.
Aug
26
A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?” He coolly replied, “Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet You.”
Aug
26
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.
He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn’t believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.
This went on and on until finally the old man couldn’t take it any more since he hadn’t caught a thing all this time.
He went to the boy and said, “Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?”
The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”
“What was that?” the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”
“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you are saying.”
So, the boy spit into his hand and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!”
Aug
26