The Top 10 Signs You’re Flying On A Bad Airline

The engine’s being held on by duct tape.

You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.

In-flight movie has “Ernest” in its title.

Pilot informs you that you’re at cruising altitude and he’s gonna put the top down.

Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.

As you’re taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase “Guest Pilot Program”

The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.

The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club…”she” has a beard and bigger arms than you!

Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.

You look down and see a copy of “Fixing a Plane for Dummies” by the mechanic’s feet!!!

adminTop Lists13 Oct, 2005No Comments

The Top Signs That Your Net Relationship Is Over

All of a sudden, she’s typing in a different font.

Instead of hearing that lovely “You’ve Got Mail” statement when you use America OnLine, you hear “You Just Got Dumped!”

Your connection to his server is constantly refused.

You get a Dear John E-mai…Your name is Fred.

They no longer have access to a computer due to a recent parole.

She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the usual 3!!!

She tells you that she’s been working a lot. You think its a professional job; it turns out that she was responsible for the decorations at her Jr High prom!!

During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals herself to be GRANDMA!!

adminTop Lists13 Oct, 2005No Comments

The Top 10 Signs That Its Time To Do The Laundry

You’re wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently.

You’ve worn your sheets to school because you can’t get them off of you.

Your socks act like a shirt does when its heavily starched and emit a serious funk.

Your roommate walks around wearing a full body medical suit like they did in the movie “Outbreak” to avoid catching the Ebola virus.

The Snuggle Bear on the softener bottle officially died last week.

The DEA’s drug sniffing dog is always coming by to sniff your laundry because the strong stench makes him think you have 28 tons of pot in your closet.

Even after sewing 28 spring scented dryer sheets to the inside of your shirt, your friends still say you reek.

The phrase “Wash Me” is visibly written in your jeans.

Your red T-shirt is now green.

The boss pulls you aside to remind you that your company’s casual days does not include your college graduation gown and scuba diving fins.

adminTop Lists13 Oct, 2005No Comments

The Top 10 Things Overheard In A Tax Preparer’s Office Prior To The Tax Filing Deadline

No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.

I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!

How cute… a tax form done in crayon.

No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your driver’s license every 4 years, not the other way around.

Just because you talk to your plants ma’am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependants.

No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office “contributions” are not the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of your 1040 form.

Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you’ve had cannot count as a business expense.

I’m sorry, I’m not sure I follow your “Give me an extension and I’ll give you an extension later at my place” argument.

I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that you’re not receptive to paying your taxes this year.

Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we’ll screw you later!!

adminTop Lists13 Oct, 2005No Comments

The Top 10 Reasons Not To Stay in West Virginia

Contrary to what the lousy song says, Country Roads do NOT always take you home.

You dream of a life that will involve a paved road.

You grow tired of tourists stopping by, asking for directions to the state of “South Virginia”, and driving off in a fit of laughter.

You’re stuck with AM Radio…AM COUNTRY radio.

You’ve grown tired of seeing the group “Glass Tiger” at the local Acorn Festival each year.

The sheep won’t take your “abuse” anymore and they are planning a revolt.

Hayrides are still limited to just 10 mph.

The local theatre’s performance of “Les Miserables” left something, no A LOT, to be desired.

You’ve had it with those pesky revenuers destroying your stills of “shine”.

No matter how hard you try, your cows don’t appear receptive to chasing or catching that Frisbee.

adminTop Lists13 Oct, 2005No Comments

The Top 10 Things To Check The Salad Bar Before You Load Your Plate Up

Anything that’s moving.

Green Carrots.

Moldy Croutons.

Body parts.

Blood in the French Dressing.

A cucumber slice with a bite out of it.

I’ve seen the movie…they could be there so watch out for Killer Tomatoes!!!

Lettuce that closely resembles Astroturf.

How should I put this…let’s just that the sneeze guard didn’t do its job and there’s something phlegm related in the radishes.

The body of Harold, the dim-witted drive thru clerk who kept messing up orders, under the ice on the bar.

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The Top 10 Things You Should Not Say To A Security Guard When Caught Stealing Coins From A Mall Fountain

“Isn’t there a robbery at the Orange Julius you should be investigating?”

I’m searching for a hard to find 1998 nickel.”

“DUH!! The Gap is having a sale!”

“Did you know that it now costs 35 cents to make a phone call?”

“Thanks idiot…I had just made a wish that I could clean the fountain out and not get caught! Way to ruin that wish!!”

“Have you seen that really cool gumball machine in the food court? It rolls down a spiral ramp!”

“I’m at the last level of Mortal Kombat IV and I need another quarter.”

“I’m trying to match the exact amount of your worthless paycheck you Barney Fife wannabe!”

“See..I need a quarter to make a phone call to my Kleptomaniacs Anonymous sponsor and that’s why I’m stealing the quarters in the fountain. I NEED HELP MAN!!!”

“Ummmm…I’m looking for beer money?”

adminTop Lists13 Oct, 2005No Comments

The Top 10 Good Error Messages On The Brand New $7000 Computer You Just Bought

“That URL was not found because frankly, I didn’ try hard enough.”

“If you continue to type that way, you’ll get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.”

“The Server is not really down, its just mildly depressed.”

“Normally, I would complain but I’ll let that rough disk insertion slide this time.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll clean up that beer stain.”

“Its not a virus…its a STD(System Transmitted Disease).”

“Remember Einstein, its point then click, point then click.”

“That General Protection Fault is not yours.”

“You’re using MS Word 5.0 and that’s a weenie version so why don’t I upgrade you for free?”

“I hate to tell you this but you have already seen that version of the Pamela Anderson video… may I suggest another?”

adminTop Lists13 Oct, 2005No Comments

The Top 10 Reasons That Parents Send Kids To School

To scope out any single teachers for Daddy.

To learn that useful Algebra stuff that every McDonald’s manager uses daily.

No cable at home so the kids watch it at school and fill you in at dinner.

After the same damn episode of Barney 2500 times, its either send them to school or drop them off at the dump at the outskirts of town.

So someone else can deal with the psychotic little shits.

Not getting enough paste in their diet at home.

Easier to run escort service out of home when they’re not around.

To study hard, and learn the fine art of perfect English to the point of getting a college degree just so you can use it for writing Top 10 Lists!

To learn the fine art of seducing older, more powerful male role models in order to get what you want or to fly on Air Force One (M.Lewinsky only!).

adminTop Lists13 Oct, 2005No Comments

The Top Signs You’re In A Bad Nursing Home

Its named Heaven’s Waiting Room.

Cheap TV antenna can’t pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.

Defibrilator doubles as a remote control.

Its named Matlock Manor.

No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.

Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.

You can’t ring a nurse but you can page the attorney’s office down the hall.

Rectal thermometers made of wood.

Two words: Community Bedpan.

adminTop Lists13 Oct, 2005No Comments