Albert arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, “What is your IQ?” to which the man answers, “241.” “That is wonderful!,” says Albert. “We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!” Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, “What is your IQ?” to which the lady answers, “144.” “That is great!,” responds Albert. “We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!” Albert goes to another person and asks, “What is your IQ?” to which the man answers, “51.” Albert responds, “How about them, Cowboys?”
sahil
22 Jun, 2008
Jun
22
|Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared: 16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. 15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. 14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. 13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. 12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now. 11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. 10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. 9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. 8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. 7. Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. 6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. 5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re following an 18 wheeler. 4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. 3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. 2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don’t go see a doctor. 1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it’s time for the real thing!
Jun
21
The following instruction recently appeared on the notice board of a large car factory in Cowley:
ALL APPICATIONS FOR LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR FAMILY BEREAVE MENTS, SICKNESS, JURY DUTY, ETC., MUST BE HANDED IN TO THE PERSONNEL MANAGER NO LATER THAN 6 P.M. ON THE DAY PRECEDING THE MATCH.
Jun
19
Paddy: ‘I couldn’t get to the match last Saturday. What was the score?’
Mick: ‘Nil-nil.’
Paddy: `What was it at half-time?’
Jun
18
Football: A game consisting of 22 skilled players, one impartial referee, two eagle eyed referee’s assistants and one stupid ball.
Teammate: Another person that you have to dribble around
Fans: Two sets of abusive referees
Offside: The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where “innocent” players are drawn towards.
Scoring: When 11 men spontaneously start dancing and kissing, regardless of any injuries, whilst 11 others droop like wallflowers
Striker: Faultless, overpaid, box hogging lay about whom only misses the goal when he is fed a bad ball
Defender: Player who’s function is to commit fouls just outside of the penalty area
Ball: Round object used by referees to entice players into committing fouls.
Jun
17
Ever heard of the Bill Clinton golf ball?
It will give you a perfect lie everytime!
Jun
16
One day a man with no tongue approched a threesome on the first tee of a golf course. He handed a card to the men that stated, “I am dumb as I have no tongue. I would like to join your threesome, making it a foursome”.
The first man looked at the card and said, “No problem”.
The second man looked at the card and said, “I have no problem with that”.
The third man looked at the card and exclaimed, ” No Way!! We have been a threesome for years and we don’t need some guy joining us and probably ruining things.”
The dumb man accepted this tirade and waved the threesome on their way. Two holes later a golf ball comes flying throught the air hitting the jerk member of the threesome in the back of the head. The blow knocked him to the ground, stunning him for several seconds. Jumping to his feet he angrily looked back to the see the dumb man on the tee box with four fingers thrust in the air and a grin on his face.
Jun
11
One day a man with no tongue approched a threesome on the first tee of a golf course. He handed a card to the men that stated, “I am dumb as I have no tongue. I would like to join your threesome, making it a foursome”.
The first man looked at the card and said, “No problem”.
The second man looked at the card and said, “I have no problem with that”.
The third man looked at the card and exclaimed, ” No Way!! We have been a threesome for years and we don’t need some guy joining us and probably ruining things.”
The dumb man accepted this tirade and waved the threesome on their way. Two holes later a golf ball comes flying throught the air hitting the jerk member of the threesome in the back of the head. The blow knocked him to the ground, stunning him for several seconds. Jumping to his feet he angrily looked back to the see the dumb man on the tee box with four fingers thrust in the air and a grin on his face.
Jun
11
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.
Jun
10
Q: Why did the umpire penalize the chicken?
A: For using fowl language.
Jun
9