At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
“Well,” Bubba began, “We wuz havin’ a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, ‘Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?’”
“And then what happened?” the officer interrupted.
“From what I remember,” Bubba said, “I stood up and said, ‘Sure, I’m game.’”
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
“Well,” Bubba began, “We wuz havin’ a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, ‘Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?’”
“And then what happened?” the officer interrupted.
“From what I remember,” Bubba said, “I stood up and said, ‘Sure, I’m game.’”
You might be a reneck if…
You’ve ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present.
Your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because the weight of your pocket knife.
Your idea of heaven involves two shotguns and a keg of beer.
You picket your horses on your lawn so you won’t have to mow it.
You’re wearing a camoflauge jacket and dipping in your driver’s license pic.
You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds.
You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.
You save old kitchen appliances for children’s Christmas presents.
You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.
Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.
You know you’re a redneck when… you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister and girlfriend and only come back with one gift.
BACKUP: What you do when you run over a skunk in the woods.
BAR CODE: Them’s the fight’n rules down at the local tavern.
BUG: The reason you give for calling in sick.
BYTE: What your pitbull dun to cusin Jethro.
CACHE: Needed when you run out of food stamps.
CHIP: Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
COMPUTER TERMINAL: Time to call the undertaker.
CRASH: When you go to Junior’s party uninvited.
DIGITAL: The art of counting on your fingers.
DISKETTE: A female Disco dancer.
FAX: What you lie about to the IRS.
HACKER: Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
INTERNET: Where cafeteria workers keep their hair.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
MAC: Big Bubba’s favorite fast food.
MEGAHERTZ: How your head feels after 17 beers.
MODEM: What ya do when the grass gets too high.
MOUSE PAD: Where Mickey and Minnie live.
NETWORK: Scoop’n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ONLINE: Where you stay when taking the sobriety test.
ROM: Where the pope lives.
SCREEN: Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
SERIAL PORT: A red wine you drink with breakfast.
SUPERCONDUCTOR: Amtrak’s Employee of the year.
SCSI: What you call your week-old underwear.
Last name: _____________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
[ ] Billy-Bob
[ ] Billy-Joe
[ ] Billy-Ray
[ ] Billy-Sue
[ ] Billy-Mae
[ ] Billy-Jack
[ ] Bobby-Sue
[ ] Bobby-Jo
[ ] Bobby-Ann
[ ] Bobby-Lee
[ ] Bobby-Ellen
[ ] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M ____ F ____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[ ] Farmer
[ ] Mechanic
[ ] Hair Dresser
[ ] Waitress
[ ] Unemployed
[ ] Dirty Politician
Spouse’s Name: _________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: _________________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: _________________________
Lover’s Name: _________________________
2nd Lover’s Name: _________________________
Relationship with spouse: (check all that apply)
[ ] Sister
[ ] Brother
[ ] Mother
[ ] Father
[ ] Cousin
[ ] Aunt
[ ] Uncle
[ ] Son
[ ] Daughter
[ ] Pet
Number of children living in household: ____
Number of children living in shed: ____
Number of children that are yours: ____
Mother’s Name: _________________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Father’s Name: _________________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [ ] own or [ ] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
___ truck
___ kitchen
___ bedroom
___ bathroom
___ shed
Model and year of your pickup:
_____________ 194__
Do you have a gun rack?
[ ] Yes [ ] No
If no, please explain:
___________________________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[ ] The National Enquirer
[ ] The Globe
[ ] TV Guide
[ ] Soap Opera Digest
[ ] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve been on Jerry Springer
How often do you bathe:
[] Weekly
[ ] Monthly
[ ] Not Applicable
How many teeth do you have? ____
Color of teeth:
[ ] Yellow
[ ] Brownish-Yellow
[ ] Brown
[ ] Black
[ ] Not Applicable
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[ ] Red-Man
[ ] Copenhagen
How far is your home from a paved road?
[ ] 2 miles
[ ] 3 miles
[ ] don’t know
In the back woods of Oklahoma, a redneck’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing.”
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. “Whoa there,” said the doctor, “Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming.”
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!” said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl. “No, no don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!” cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ‘em?”
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
Even if you are certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.
Dining Out:
When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with both hands.
In Your Home:
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene:
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (Outside the Family) Etiquette:
Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
Be assertive. Let her know you are interested. “I’ve been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
Establish with her parents what time she is expected home. Some will say 10:00 p.m., and others may say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette:
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven that they can’t hear you.
Wedding Etiquette:
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette:
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
You might be a redneck if your toilet paper has page numbers on it!
A farmhand is driving ’round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, “Boss, I’ve got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he’s stuck in thebull-bars of my truck. He’s still wriggling — what should I do?”
“In the back of your truck there’s a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush.”
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. “Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush.”
“So what’s the problem now?” his Boss snapped.
“The blue light on his bike is still flashing!”
sahil
31 May, 2008