Psychiatric HotlineIf you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
sahil
25 Jun, 2008
Jun
25
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Apr
19
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, “Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.”
“Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn’t changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month.”
Apr
18
Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, don’t do that.
Apr
17
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
Apr
16
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.
Apr
15
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.
Apr
14
A man went to the doctor for a check up. “How do you feel?” asked the doctor. “Fine.” he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, “How many times do you have sex per month?” “About two orthree.” the man replied. “You should be doing better than that.” the doctor offered. “Take these pills and come back in a month.” The man did and a month later he was again asked by the doctor, “How many times did you have sex last month?” “About two or three times.” the man answered again. “I can’t understand it,” the doctor continued, “you should be doing much better than that.” “I don’t know,” replied the man, “that’s not bad for having no car and a small parish.”
Apr
5
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.Man: “What are you doing here today?”Woman: “Oh, I’m here to donate some blood. They’re going to giveme $5 for it.”Man: “Hmm, that’s interesting. I’m here to donate sperm, myself.But they pay me $25.”The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted somemore before going their separate ways.Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in thedonation center.Man: “Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?”Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] “Unh unh.”
Apr
4
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one daycomplaining about Nurse Jenny. “She’s incrediblydumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.”said one doctor. “Just last week, I told her togive a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.He nearly died on us!” The second doctor said,”That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told her togive a patient an enema every 24 hours. She triedto give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearlyexploded!”Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream fromdown the hall. “Oh my God!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prickMr. Smith’s boil!”
Apr
3