Medical Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it…don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat; your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain….Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ….. Cocoa beans … another vegetable!!!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie … flour is a veggie! One more thing…”When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt.”
This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said,
“Well, I’m not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we’ve found a cure for them: you’ll have to be castrated.”
The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain.
But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.
“All right, I guess I’ll have the operation,” he said. When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, “I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point.”
So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men’s shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular.”
“That’s right”, exclaimed the man, “How’d you know?”
“Well, when you’ve been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up”, replied the salesman. “Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long.”
“Right again,” the man said.
The proprietor suggested, “And for undershorts, I’d say a size 36.”
“There’s your first mistake”, the man said, “I’ve worn 34’s for years.”
“No, you’re a size 36 if I’ve ever seen one”, said the owner.
The man replied, “I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I’ll take 34.”
The owner replied, “Well all right, if you insist, but they’re going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!!”
A lady walks into her doctors office screaming.
She yells, “Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?”
The doctor asks, “Well, how long does the hair grow?”
The lady replies, “From here to my penis, but thats a different story!”