Marriage Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes
A man got a new Ferrari for his birthday and went to test drive it on the highway. As he was driving he wondered how fast it could go, but before he could get very far he heard sirens. He sped up thinking he could outrun the cop, but then he came to his senses and pulled over.
The cop walked over and asked for the man’s license and registration. Then the cop said, “Listen Mac, it’s Friday, I’m tired, and I just want to go home, so if you can give me an excuse I haven’t heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The man thought for a minute, then replied, “My wife ran off with a cop the other day, and I thought you were trying to give her back to me.”
The cop nodded and said, “Have a nice day.”
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
“How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously.
“Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the surprised doctor.
“Well,” said the wife, “you are planning to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”
What Every woman Expects:
1. Forever handsome, caring, and romantic.
2. The virility of an 18 year old.
3. Always remembers special dates – Birthday’s, Anniversary’s.
4. To dine out more than once a year.
5. Send flowers for no reason.
6. Favorite expression: “Honey, those few extra pounds means there’s just that much more to love.
7. A cuddle in the middle of the night.
8. A wizard in the kitchen, at doing the laundry, cleaning the house, and in the Stock Market.
9. An impromptu I Love You.”
What She Gets:
1. He hugs his pillow more than you.
2. His idea of dining out is a hamburger and fries.
3. He has to comb his hair from the back, forward, to hide the bald spot.
4. He hasn’t said those 3 words in so long, you have to play “Charades in order to hear them.
5. He can’t remember what the words “Vacation Together” mean.
6. He lets you know that he may need to put Heavy Duty Shocks on the car, only on your side.
7. He says “I was going to send you flowers, but . . .
(A) the ones I wanted were out of season”.
(B) they were all out of roses”.
(C) I couldn’t find a florist”.
8. He carries a picture of his mother in his wallet.