Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Gary Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an obvious attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. Frankly, I resent it, and the American people resent it.

Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are putting forth solutions that moderate Southerners won’t cotton to on Super Tuesday. At least I hope not.

Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Paul Simon) My media experts tell me I’m foolish for wearing my hair the same way I did in the 50′s. But that’s what Paul Simon’s all about. And I suppose my media experts are gonna say I’m foolish for this, but in all candor, I change my light bulbs the same way I did in the 50′s: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn it.

Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Jesse Jackson) Changing the light bulb is a partial solution at best. I’m more of a Lone Ranger than a light bulb changer. But even the Lone Ranger had Tonto and Silver, and the shameful fact is that the American Indians of today don’t have enough silver, or gold, or even paper money to allow them to buy into the American Dream or some extra light bulbs. We must ensure that all Americans can light their homes, from the lighthouse to the White House.

Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can’t see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.

Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six-Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say “I canna do it, Cap’n! These bulbs are stoon dead”, Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically, McCoy to say “They’re BURNED-OUT, Jim!” and “Dammit Jim-I’m a doctor not an electrician!!”, Kirk to screw it in, and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.

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Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None — He’ll only promise “change.”

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: He doesn’t. He whines a while, says “I feel your pain”, and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.

Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment.

Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra lightbulb.

Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Less and less all the time.

Q: How many believable, competent, “just right for the job” presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It’s going to be a dark 4 years, isn’t it?

Q: How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb?
A: 220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates can’t even spell “lightbulbe”, eighteen to find out what the other candidates did when the lightbulb failed, and another two hundred to find out what the other candidate’s families think about lightbulbs, bulbs, pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.

Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened government has made it unnecessary for people to screw in their own light bulbs, as we have put thousands of former welfare recipients to work for the Dept. of Light Bulb Installation. These employees will come to your home or business and install any incandescent bulb, on only a few months notice.

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Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

Q: How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They haven’t got a policy on that.

Q: How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an ’800′ number to order an American light bulb.

Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it’s his business.

Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.

Q: How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they all just quit and go home!

Q: How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a light bulb in the White House?
A: Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two–one to promise he’ll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.

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