Lawyer Jokes, Clean Funny Jokes
what is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a scum sucking bottom dewler and the other is a fish.
Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A. A tick falls off of you when you die.
Q. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Q. What do you have when 100 Lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A Doberman.
Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, They cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A. They had pictures of lawyers on them … and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.
Q. What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.
Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A. Skeet.
Q. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A. Chelsea Clinton.
Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bicycle.
Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A. The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
Q. It was so cold last winter … (How cold was it?) …
A. It was SO cold … that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates. “$50.00 for three questions”, replied the lawyer. “Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man. “Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”
Q. You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A. Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor’s only to find he didn’t have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.
1.His Doctor
2.His Priest
3.His Lawyer
“Well, today I found out I don’t have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.”
After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, “I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested.”
The priest said, “I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the
church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave.”
Well, the lawyer just couldn’t believe what he was hearing! “I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!”