A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man’s friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.”What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.”That stupid Dave!” the fellow chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”
sahil
29 Jun, 2008
Jun
29
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the breweries decide to go to the pub for a drink. The Coors President said “Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please.”
The bartender gave him the drink.
Then the Budweiser President orders, “The King Of Beers — Budweiser?
The bartender proceeds with the order.
The Amsted President walks in and orders “The Finest Beer ever.”
The bartender gives him an Amsted.
Then the Guinness President says, “I’ll have a coke please?
The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.
All the Presidents looked over at him and said, “Why have you ordered a coke?”
He replied, “Well if you all aren’t drinking beer, then neither shall I?
Jun
19
A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus.
“Sure,” said the drunken man.
“I’ll find Jesus.”
So the priest took the drunken man’s head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and coughing.
“Damn,” said the drunken man.
“Are you sure he fell in there?”
Jun
17
A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving two of his best friends behind to make it in America. To keep there tradition of nightly drinks alive, every night he goes into an Irish-style pub and orders three pints. The bartender, after a month of this, becomes curious, and asks the man what he’s doing. Touched by the story, the bartender has the 3 pints ready for the man every time he comes in. One day, the man tells the bartender to only give him 2 pints.
“My condolences,” says the bartender, thinking that one of the man’s friends has died.
“No, no? says the man, “they’re both still alive. I’ve just quit drinking.”
Jun
16
A duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “You got any fish?”
The bartender says, “No. This is a bar and we don’t sell fish” so the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck goes back to the bar and asks, “You got any fish?”
The bartender says,?I told you yesterday. This is a bar and we don’t sell fish.”
There following day, the duck returns and asks? you got any fish?”
The bartender looses it, grabs the duck but the neck, and screams,?I TOLD YOU TWICE. THIS IS A BAR. WE DON扵 SELL FISH IF YOU
ASK AGAIN, I’M GOONS NAIL YOUR *@#& WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!”
The next day, the duck goes in the bar and asks, “Got any nails?”
The bartender sighs and says, “No, we don抰 have any nails?
The duck says? Good. Got any fish?”
Jun
11
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, 揙live or twist??
Jun
10
After they drink a couple of beers they are ready to leave, but the bartender won’t let them unless they have 12 inches of dick between them.
The first guy whips his out and shows 6 inches.
The second guy drops his pants and shows 5 inches.
Finally, the third guy shows his 1-inch dick.
The bartender says “Ok, that抯 12 inches you can go”.
As they抮e walking away the first guy says to the third, “Thank god you had a boner or we’d still be there?
Jun
9
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly Rowdy bar for possible violations of the Driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try His keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, He started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, Read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the Designated Decoy.”
Jun
7
Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old buddy Johnny, “How come you aren’t married?”
Johnny: “I haven’t found the right woman yet.”
George: “So what are you looking for?”
Johnny: “Oh she’s got to be real pretty, - a good cook and house-keeper, and she’s got to know how to handle money, a really nice and pleasant personality is a must -and money, she’s got to have money…and a home, a nice big house, is
what she has to have.”
George: “A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU.”
Johnny: “Oh, its okay if she is crazy.”
Jun
6
Sam wakes up at home with a huge hangover. Forcing him to open his eyes, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and notices his clothes in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, all spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, “Sweetheart, your breakfast is on the stove. I had to leave early to go shopping. Love you.”
So, he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating.
“What happened last night, son?” Sam asks.
His son replies, “Well, you came home after 3:00 AM, very drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”
Confused, Sam asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
“Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, ‘Lady, leave me alone. I’m married’,” his son replies.
Jun
5