Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it…don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat; your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain….Good.
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ….. Cocoa beans … another vegetable!!!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie … flour is a veggie! One more thing…”When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt.”
Hillbilly Medical Terms
Benign…………….What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria……………Back door to cafeteria.
Barium……………..What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section…….A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan…………….Searching for the cat.
Cauterize……….Made eye contact with her.
Colic……………A sheep dog.
Coma……………A punctuation mark.
D&C…………….Where Washington is.
Dilate………….To live longer than your kids do.
Enema………….Not a friend.
Fester…………Quicker than someone else.
Fibula…………A small lie.
G.I.Series………World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail………..What you hang your coat on.
Impotent………..Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain……….Getting hurt at work.
Morbid…………..A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates…………Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff…….A Doctor’s cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node………………..I knew it.
Outpatient…………..A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear…………….A fatherhood test.
Pelvis……………….Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative………..A letter carrier.
Recovery Room….Place to do upholstery.
Secretion…….Hiding something
Tablet……….A small table to change babies on.
Seizure……….Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.
Terminal Illness….Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor……………More than one.
Urine……………Opposite of mine.
Varicose…………Near by
Hospital…………The biggest building in town, other than Joe’s feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill.
Two blondes were building a house. one saw that the other was going into her pouch and throwing every other nail out. She thought that this was weird and decided to look into.
“Why do you keep throwing every other nail away?”
“Well, when i pull one out of my pouch, and it is facing towards the house, i nail it it. If it is facing away from the House, it is defective and i throw it away.”
“You idiot, those nails aren’t defective, they are for the other side of the house.”